Improving Professional Correspondence

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department
Subject: Incorrect Payroll Checks

Dear Mr. Leoni,

Due to several complaints from my division, I believe there have been several errors encountered in the payrolls.
From these complaints, I have taken initiative to personally review the data, just to verify that my department and I are not making these mistakes. My team and I have since discovered that a majority of these errors were made by the clerks. Statistically, we have found 35 of the 37 errors to be associated with your department. Due to these errors, the Data Processing Department has committed more errors because they were directly copying the faulty time tickets. In addition, I do not believe my department should be held accountable for these mistakes.
As discussed from previous meetings, I understand that errors are always present but I do not want to burden my department further with additional work. As manager of the Data Processing Department, my team and I are already spread very thin and we do not have enough time or the man power to compare the entries against the time sheets, in which your clerks are miscopying.
I highly recommend that you tell your clerks to review and double check their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.
Cordially,
Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department



I have made significant changes to this document. Using and understanding the rhetorical situation, I think I was able to produce a more professional email with the audience being my equal colleague. Before, the paper seemed rather immature due to the caps lock and incredibly bratty attitude. I hope that with the revised edition, I was able to convey the same message without belittling my colleague.